I didn’t really know what to expect for my first colonoscopy, but it all started the day before with a fast and a couple of glasses of industrial-strength laxative. Without waxing poetic about quality porcelain time, I can say that this worked. The next day, the wife drops me off with a bemused “better-you-than-me” look, and there I am.
I check in at the Endoscopy clinic registration and am introduced to the change room where I am told to change out of everything from the waist-up and put on a hospital gown (ever tried tying a knot behind your back? – I’ll have to try this on the Scouts) and housecoat. I go back to the front-reception waiting area and observe a number of similarly-clad anxious souls. I’m more philosophical about it and figure it is what it is. The intake nurse then calls me in.
“So Mr Parkanyi, you’re here for the gastroscopy are you?”
“Um,no. I’m pretty sure I’m here for a colonoscopy.”
(frowning) “But it says here gastroscopy.”
“Do I need to void all food matter and half my internal organs for a gastroscopy?”
“Oh no – so you are a colonoscopy. Well why don’t I take you off the gastroscopy list then.”
“That would be nice, and while you’re at it could you please take me off the heart-surgery list as well.”
(not getting the joke) “You’re having heart surgery!?”
“No, just the colonoscopy.”
“And you’re not here for a gastroscopy as well?”
“I can choose? Like a menu?”
“I’ll go check with the doctor.”
“Yes, perhaps that would be best.”
After that I get my IV docking station installed and am sent back out to the waiting area. Soon after I get the real call. A nice nurse leads me to the procedure room.
“Take off your bottoms and toss them in the bin over he….. you still have your pants on.”
“Gastroscopy.”
“Ah”
I go back and change out of my jeans, then return.
“So Mr. Parkanyi, do you understand what we will be doing to you today?”
“Doing to me? Uh, inflating me like a balloon and then sticking a probe up my ___?”
“Well we have medical terms for that, but basically, yes.”
The lady doctor then arrives.
“Hello, so how are you today Mr. Parkanyi?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
(chuckles) “OK lie down on your side and bring your knees up to your chest. We’re going to start the IV now.”
And then things suddenly get real mellow and I’m thinking “Whoah – alriiight…I like valium.”
The probe starts moving and there I am, on a flat-screen monitor in HD. (To an unknowing outside observer it could have been the Discovery Channel). She was moving pretty fast and it was kind of like when the Federation starships go into warp drive and dissolve into a streaking tunnel of light, only lumpier. Valium – any mind-altering drug I suppose – makes you think weird things like “wow, this is the closest I’m ever going to get to a threesome in this lifetime – two domineering women, me and a medical probe…”
Before you know it, it’s over and they’re wheeling me into the recovery room with another six or seven glazed–looking people. It reminded me of a 70’s party. Of course the first thing out of my mouth is “Hey, anybody else got the munchies?” This startles them a little, but then the woman next to me thinks about it and offers “Come to think of it, I could really use a cheeseburger right now” – and off we all go trying to outdo each other with our food fantasies. Finally my time is up, I get dressed, and Cindy arrives with my son Nick. With a big Cheshire cat grin on my face I boom “Hi! – let’s eat!” and off we go to Tim Horton’s/Wendy’s. The girl at the cash misunderstands my order and at the pick-up counter I have two breakfast bagels with egg and bacon waiting for me instead of one. I’m about to say something but then happily realize “I can eat this!” and proceed to do so.
I remained pretty-much stoned for the rest of the afternoon but managed to sleep most of it off. It was probably for the best that I didn’t need to do any trading that day. 
Cheers,
George
That procedure must have knocked the cr** right out of you fellows.