With the Winter Olympics a mere 99 days away this is a good time to reveal several of the new sporting events that will be debuted in Whistler in 2010.
1- Skiit Shooting (pronounced “Skeet” shooting)
Contestants combine the fun of ski jumping with the high dexterity adrenaline rush of out-manoeuvring heat-seeking missiles aimed directly at their flight path arc. Each skiiter is given 3 flares that they can utilise to off-track the heat-seeking missile fired their way. Points are awarded based on the number of unused flares intact skiiters retain following their jump. Rendered body parts landing with unused flares are disqualified for aesthetic reasons. Bonus points are awarded to contestants who successfully complete the course without soiling their suits in any manner.
2- Suicide Vest Relay
Contestants take turns donning explosive vests while navigating a course comprised of razor wire, opium-producing poppies and non-kosher condiments. Points are docked for premature detonations. The first three to complete the course are then driven to an empty industrial park where images of 72 virgins (like you can find a REAL one in BC?) ring the winners’ podium. The Vest Relay winners mount the podium steps and are encouraged to taunt infidels and chant anti-western slogans before detonating their vests.
3- CEO Toss
Former Pay-Per-View wrestling icons physically disembowel CEOs caught embezzling public monies used to finance unearned lavish lifestyles. Not to be confused with the ever-popular Lobbyist Luge in which politicians perform acts of oral stimulation while going down on various carpetbaggers, global economists and journalists.
~ Ciao
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