What can ya say?
The CFL rarely disappoints when it comes to their Championship Game (and to all you sportcasters out there the word is pronounced “championSHip” not ”championCHip) and yesterday’s game was no exception.
What a way for Saskatchewan to lose. No time on the clock and the inability to count to twelve. Kudos to Montreal for refusing to quit.
28 -27
ciao
Cool. Judging by all the debt clocks around, it would seem that financial armageddon disclosure has become trendy and fashionable. In Germany there is a company that actually builds made-to order debt clocks – it’s a burgeoning industry. Who knew?
So taking a little sampler, let’s see what we have. The U.S. debt clock (it’s a busy one) seems to be the grand-daddy of them all. Texas size. The U.S. national debt according to this one is at $11.932 trillion for a per-capita I.O.U. of $38,758 per U.S. citizen and $109,934 per tax-payer. Hey kids – surprise! With an annual GDP of $12.008 trillion, U.S. citizens can be happy to know that one year’s worth of hard work would pay off the debt (if they just bear down and don’t didn’t eat, house themselves or clothe themselves for that year).
Canadians are, let’s face it, just not as enterprising as Americans, and through their beer-drinking, hockey watching fog have only managed to accumulate a paltry CAD $497.3 billion, or CAD $14,803 per citizen/resident. After adjusting for the exchange rate, in real paper dollars that would be an even lower $13,915 per-capita, a shameful 35.9% of what Americans have been able to do. This all according to the debt clock sponsored by the Canadian Taxpayers Federation. Taxpayers federation? We’re lagging this far behind, and some people have the nerve to even throw around some attitude about it.
The U.K debt clock chooses not to take sides between its old colonies, and settles somewhere in the middle at $1.4 trillion or $22,561 per person.
Even Japan, the most indebted G-whatever nation by debt as a % of GDP has a debt clock. How would you like you and yours to owe $94,952 each? (I find it a little ironic that people use the yen as as a haven against the US dollar. I think I’d better be selling mine).
And the Economist magazine has actually taken on doing a global debt clock, showing a tally of everyone’s public debt ($45.689 trillion they say). The only problem I see is that their numbers vary pretty dramatically from the debt clocks above. Ah well, a trillion dollars sure ain’t what it used to be.
With the Winter Olympics a mere 99 days away this is a good time to reveal several of the new sporting events that will be debuted in Whistler in 2010.
1- Skiit Shooting (pronounced “Skeet” shooting)
Contestants combine the fun of ski jumping with the high dexterity adrenaline rush of out-manoeuvring heat-seeking missiles aimed directly at their flight path arc. Each skiiter is given 3 flares that they can utilise to off-track the heat-seeking missile fired their way. Points are awarded based on the number of unused flares intact skiiters retain following their jump. Rendered body parts landing with unused flares are disqualified for aesthetic reasons. Bonus points are awarded to contestants who successfully complete the course without soiling their suits in any manner.
2- Suicide Vest Relay
Contestants take turns donning explosive vests while navigating a course comprised of razor wire, opium-producing poppies and non-kosher condiments. Points are docked for premature detonations. The first three to complete the course are then driven to an empty industrial park where images of 72 virgins (like you can find a REAL one in BC?) ring the winners’ podium. The Vest Relay winners mount the podium steps and are encouraged to taunt infidels and chant anti-western slogans before detonating their vests.
3- CEO Toss
Former Pay-Per-View wrestling icons physically disembowel CEOs caught embezzling public monies used to finance unearned lavish lifestyles. Not to be confused with the ever-popular Lobbyist Luge in which politicians perform acts of oral stimulation while going down on various carpetbaggers, global economists and journalists.
~ Ciao
Did you hear the one about the guy whose wife left him because he got sucked into a black hole?
He was crushed.
(Talk about out of ideas – over to you Brian)
These are trying times for workers. In today’s ADD economy it is becoming increasingly difficult to hang on to any job let alone find new employment. But after many years of in-depth research (i.e. hours of channel surfing) I’ve discovered the secret to obtaining permanent full-time employment. Let me repeat that in case you thought you misread what I just wrote. Let me repeat that in case you thought you misread what I just wrote.
Once you master this newly minted secret you will never again have to worry about being unemployed. Yep, non-experts everywhere will seek you out for your opinion and counsel and it won’t even matter how badly you suck at what you do because institutions like Wall Street will pay top dollar to further the cause of ponzi-nomics. It’s all about form, not fact.
So what is this secret? Simple: Become an “Expert”.
You see becoming an “expert” makes you a hot commodity. So don’t upgrade your education when all you really need to do is upgrade your printer and purchase a stack of blank business cards. In short just make shit up. It’s all the rage nowadays so get in on the fun and stop lining up for food stamps and food banks. Yes, it is time to seize the initiative and to live the life to which you are not entitled. Why be a Walter Mitty when you could be a Bernie Madoff (sans the jail term).
Being an “expert” is a lot like being unemployed, only with five-star in-office catering and snappier clothes. And if ever you begin to doubt your “expert” credentials all you need do is look at what other “experts” have accomplished in just the past 12 months. Don’t miss YOUR opportunity to implode the global economy, crash stock markets, decimate the real estate industry, run up obscene deficits AND derail major automotive manufacturers. Become an “expert” now and get in on the next bubble of prosperity. Carpe diem.
No, that’s not yet another shipping line fighting off Somali pirates. These are the lineups outside vaccination clinics that have been created by the anxiety over the “pig-plague”, as Brian likes to call it.
Now people have been waiting for hours and hours in these lines, and the media is beginning to report on this ad-nauseum as well. I do have a few thoughts on how to deal with these long line-ups. One would be to get the government to be more organized and efficient – which of course will never happen, as Newton proved mathematically long ago with his Law of Inertia.
Better would be to have someone run out of the clinic arms raised in the air in praise crying “I’m immune! I’m immune!” – and then promptly fall down as if dead. Or you could casually sidle up to one of the thicker parts of the line and point out “You do know of course that this is the ebola line.”
Or get in line and start up a conversation. Inevitably when someone asks if you are there for your flu shot, say “Oh yes, this is my third. Can’t be too careful.” This is especially effective if there are rumours of shortages.
A personal favourite is getting a few small groups of people together to start lines outside other buildings while spreading rumours that more clinics have opened. Once robust lines form here as well, your small groups move off leaving the lines behind and start new ones. (Imagine the surprise of would be inoculants when they offered coffee and donuts instead of vaccine.)
That should clear things up a little.
The media have got to stop banging on and on about the pig-plague. Enough already! If the planet is fortunate enough the virus may actually – at the very least – wipe out Wall Street, Exxon Mobil and TV reality shows. Until that Valhalla day it is time for the media to shut-the-hell-up about the topic and get back to real journalism. Whoa, talk about flu-fatigue.
Just two examples of more serious threats to the health of billions are the emergence of drug-resistant forms of malaria and tuberculosis. That disturbing trend is impacting primarily the children of the 95 percent of the planet that do not own SUVs or even houses for that matter. Yet for some inexplicable reason the pig-plague is what the media profiles. In Canada we have lost just under 100 people to H1N1 since last April. That is statistically below the fatality rate for the “common” seasonal flu, but you wouldn’t know that by the hysterical media hype and political fear-mongering that is going on at all levels.
This porcine boondoggle has also provided a free ride to Big Pharma. Governments have granted them carte blanche on any and all costs they incur associated with development and delivery of the oink-based outbreak serum. In other words it means taxpayers are paying the whole freight on this the latest installment of ersatz capitalism. As an added bonus Big Pharma has also been granted immunity against litigation that may arise from whatever product they produce and de facto help stick into your arm or up your nose. Nothing inspires large corporations more than the prospect of a fully taxpayer funded business welfare payment. It’s a beautiful thing. Really.
Here’s a sure-fire way to stop the pig-plague dead in its tracks and without suspending the discipline of the market place and handing over hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to Big Pharma in the process.
1- Wash you hands thoroughly.
2- Cover your freakin’ face when you cough or sneeze!
3- Repeat 1 and 2.
Now I realise that I have produced an extremely comprehensive list but I’m confident that if you can master phone-texting then you can handle these three simple steps.
Smoke if ya got ‘em.
Last week a commercial airliner flew past its destination by 150 miles. The crew were accused of not paying attention – even falling asleep. “Well that just pisses me off” said the captain when interviewed on the ground. “We didn’t even get a chance to finish testing the fuel-tank empty indicator as a new ‘You’ve Gone Too Far’ alarm before everybody gets all upset. This is the kind of shit you have to put up with when you’re trying to advance modern aviation.”
Good one George,
Here are some examples of the comments readers have submitted regarding your last blog entry. (October 21, 2k9ce) Some have been edited for content others embellished.
Reader blow-back
I thought George’s blog post was awesome. I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Ooops, I peed them again…and again…Oh my…oops and again…that wasn’t pee that time…
~ Alister K, West Podunk Vermont
I like being wet so could you maybe tell me more about the fall baptize-2-get-1-for-free promotion?
~ Kee-Kee Bucksome, Toronto Canada
Im txtng u abt yr fny rtkl it ws gr8 lol
I was disgusted by your evil, blapvemous… blastfemust… blahstemous…blaspenis… bla…OH GO TO HELL!
~ The Very Reverend Reginald “Pooky” Snitt, Surrey England
Tell me more about Kee-Kee from Toronto.
~ Cardinal K, Italy
Did you hear me sing that Beatles’ tune the other week?
~ S. Harper, Ottawa Canada
What an insightful and very funny and well-researched article. You’re such a clever boy.
~ George’s Mom, Quebec Canada.
What do you mean that having a wife is like “promoting Hell”?
~ George’s Wife, (I’m staying at your Mother’s, you and I will talk later)
Tell me more about Cardinal K.
~ Bishop Bob, Cork Ireland
I’m not sure about the article being “insightful”, more like inciteful!
~ BO, The White House
Oooooooooh, you blog guys know the President?
~ Kee-Kee B, Toronto Canada
Tell me more about George’s wife.
~ A. Neighbour, very near George’s Mom’s house
You’re all very disturbed people.
~ R. Polanski, Switzerland
There was a piece in the Ottawa Citizen today about how the Pope is inviting Anglicans disillusioned with the recent liberalizations in the Anglican church, back into the Roman Catholic fold. And if you’re Bishop or higher, there is a signing bonus. (OK that part I made up.)
But I love the concept – religions raiding other religions for membership. “Only 70? with us you get 90 virgins, and you get to choose the species!”
“Look, I’m sorry, we can’t move on the re-incarnation thing. We just don’t do multiple lives. But think about it, do you really want 600 shots at eternity? You do the things on this list, and we can get you in there in 60 or 70 years max – one life.”
“You don’t like the adultery one, huh. Tell you what – let me talk to the manager and I’ll see what we can do …”
“Check this box if you want to be notified of upcoming specials such as our popular fall baptize-2-get-1-for-free promotion.”
“Astonomer’s special – our religion comes from another planet!”
“Blondes special – our religion comes from another planet (as well)!”
“Oh that? No, no, no. We don’t do Kool-Aid”
“Let me get this straight – you want more than one wife? Well, I’d love to help you, but we are a church, and we can’t exactly go around promoting hell ….”
“Well no wonder you didn’t have a good time, silly. You don’t just take the first penance we give you, you’re supposed to haggle!”
“At the Holy Church of the Literal Meaning, we believe people are crying out for authenticity. So for example, at our communions we always use real blood and nothing but 100% Grade-A raw meat.”
“Look, our lawyers make us keep it in there so we don’t infringe on the other guys, but nobody ever really stones anybody, OK?”
Cheers,
George
